i'm not the one, love.

you know you're madly in love with someone when you're the one who is deciding on the future.. what type of wedding.. our child's names.. type of houses, cars & etc... but we can only dream about it. eversince my last breakup, it took me a year to recover..

and i've finally got over it and fall in love with you. being in a relationship with your crush.... thats just wonderful. you know how hard it is to have your crush having the same feelings like you do? right, it was... magical at that point of time.  being able to be on someone's arms make me feel secured and protected again..

i've loved every bits and pieces of you, i adore your bad habits and weaknesses. i accepted you wholeheartedly, just like how you accepted me. i envy you the most; you're so motivated unlike me.. but you made me turn into such a strong girl.. you're the pillar of my strength when i failed my exams and you passed. you encouraged me to try harder, and beyond my best.. i envied you.

as i run my fingers through your hair and staring deeply into your eyes with that genuine smile of yours; i knew we will last until forever. smelling you have always been my favourite habit, i just dont know, you're not a fan of perfumes and you dont use one.. but it's just my favourite smell. and most of all, you've the most sincere smile. it kills me a little that you have such a perfect teeth but thats what so special of you..

only then, i found out you cheated on me. i dont know where i went wrong because all i did was to love you as much as i could. be there for you and supporting whatever you're doing. i had to find the truth by myself, which then my heart sank. i wanted to give up, but i just can't.. i'm just too madly in love and it hurts. i dont want to share you with anybody.. i just want you to myself.. and i still have no idea why.. you did that to me.. i didnt stop here. i forgive my ego so that i can forgive you, and be with you again. since you promised, you promised thats the first and the last.. and i'm still the same girl you loved since day one. i've never changed. but again, i was wrong. you did it again and again, and i still forgive you.

until one fine day, i told to myself "i can't do this", and i turn coldhearted towards you. i talked to your biggest enemy, i met him, slack. but there's a fine line between us. i thought you would fight for me the way i fight for you, and still i got let down. you were prepared to move on and you were prepared for me to leave you. at this point, i can feel my heart shatters to pieces. it was a very depressed relationship. i gave you my everything, but why? just why? am i boring? or someone else is just more better than me?

i swear, as i'm typing this out, the thought of us being 'over' really kills me a lot.. but i cant bare the pain anymore. i can't.

if you're reading this; i just want to thank you for everything. no words can describe how appreciative i am towards you. thank you for the bitter sweet memories and for loving me. thank you for saving me when i'm on my knees and thank you for being the first guy to give me flowers. i wont forget every single thing you've done for me just to make me smile. you've the sweetest smile and please don't change it. be with someone that can take care of you and love you without fail. and since tomorrow is 24, its the best time for me to be away from you.. i know moving on is hard, but please do your best. i'll be happy, i promise. its gonna be hard because i'm going to miss you alot. but i promise, i will move on. just so you know, this feelings have never stopped for you.. i wish you the best of all this world could give. dont stop pursuing your dreams, you've worked so hard.. dont give it up just like that.

and to whoever my replacement; please, just please take good care of him. he is a little stubborn but just dont stop convincing okay? please make sure he eats and please heal the scars on his wrist.. please dont be ashamed to love a guy with scars.. please motivate him and dont call him useless or stupid. please make sure he dont slack a lot and make sure he sleeps well, because if he dont, he will oversleep. trust me. and also make sure he's respectful to his parents and guardians. he's a little bit playful and clumsy, but please love him for who he is. dont be a gold digger because he's the type of guy who will spent his money on you, regardless. please show that you're appreciative of his efforts, or he will be sad. pamper him and shower him your love! he's very clingy! bring him to watch movies, surprise him with things he like and pamper him as much as you can. i promise you, he will love you so much if you take good care of his feelings okay? i'm not ready to give up my place but good things will always have their ends.

"wish i could press rewind and rewrite every line to the story of me and you"

Everything has changed.

  its the new things that made a great impact on your life. 

Hi, finally gonna update again! My life are pretty devastated tho. So a month ago, i went for a vacation trip with, of course, my family. Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia for 4 pretty damn days. I went there with an intention of passing things to a friend of mine that stays in Klang. I don't know where shall I start but lets just say, I know them from my bestfriend which happens to have a boy-bestfriend which stays in Malaysia. And then, through him, i met this guy. Well, i don't know but knowing this guy sparks my entire life. And that i sense we've some connections. 

And so, i was nervously waiting for their arrival.......i was terrified as hell. Having to look at my phone every minute to see how i look bcs first impression does matter. I tried to distract myself by laughing at not-funny-kind-of-joke made by myself  LOL. and i swear i felt like pooping. I wasn't nervous in meeting this "boy-bestfriend" but i was nervous in meeting "this guy", up to this day, i could still imagine how nervous and terrified i was. but hey! it wasn't that bad. i tried not to look at him but i couldn't help it but to always take a glimpse hehe and he's quite adorable. 

First meeting, went well. I could still still imagine how shy we react with each other and of course, me having the courage to urge him to talk to me only because i wanted to hear his voice. But other than his voice, i heard him sing. I have no idea but i'm smiling at myself when i'm typing everything out. His awkwardness + the way he avoid looking at me makes me more happy. And he even took the courage to sing for me my 'fav' song. Sucks because the time went really fast and i had to leave to avoid the terrible road jams.

But as soon as i leave, i kept on looking at our selfies that we took. And waking up to the song he sang for me which was aired on the radio. Coincidence much? think so. At that moment of time, i knew we might share the same interest and that he regard me not only as his friend, but perhaps something more. But in reality, i still have to dream only because he's someone else's now. I don't want to be a third party, and so. And i'm sure he don't regard me the same way i regard him as his relationship with his girl is quite strong tho. 

I suffer with my own feelings. On the day that i was leaving, i really hope he could appear right infront of my hotel door and you know wave me goodbye, so that when i won't miss him. high hopes crashed. wasn't fortunate enough, why? because we're friends, nothing more than that. Safely reached and we're miles apart again. Truth hurts. The least i could do is, stalk him on wechat. As time goes by, his likes disappear. I could still manage the pain. But up until today, he hide his moment from me. I've been asking myself, why. Why now? And i repel. Couldn't even find anything to cheer myself up. Its like things are struggling in my life. I've no words to explain. I was beyond hurt. If my feelings could talk, probably people will know how much pain i'm suffering. And then i realized ;

                                             Everything has changed. 

And for sahat manik, i wish you're healthy & happy always, jangan pernah abaikan perasaan orang yang selalu amik berat tentang awak walaupun dari jauh. mungkin saya tidak faham dengan cara awak maka dgn itu saya mintak maaf dgn awak sekiranya saya pernah sakitkan hati awak dengan apa apa cara pun. saya harap sangat awak berbahgia dgn cha walaupun saya tk pernah rasa kebahagiaan itu. awak selalu.